Conversations with myself: Taking back the #thighgap

I've had a long, hurtful relationship with my body. For as long as I can remember, I've always known that my body was different than everyone else's. Growing up in San Diego, among beautiful, bikini-clad people, enforced this idea even more. Everywhere you looked, people were in shape and active.   

I'm a curvy woman. I have broad shoulders. I'm only 5'1. I have hips. I have thunder thighs. I have calves that men would kill for. I know that my body is different. I've had strangers, like massage therapists, ask me upon looking at my body, "Wow. Are you an athlete or a swimmer? You have big legs." I've even had a co-worker, who lacks certain social filters, call out the size of my legs in front of co-workers when I decided to wear some skin-tight rain boots one day.

For all sorts of reasons, when people talk about my body, it makes me uncomfortable. And it's been like this for decades.

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These last few months have been really transformational. I joined ClassPass because I needed a new way to sweat and workout. I ended up finding that I loved discovering new neighborhoods and fitness studios because it really got me out of my comfort zone. I found ways to enjoy workouts and stopped looking at them as just a way to maintain my weight and continue to eat poorly.

My move to Oakland really opened up my access to healthy and delicious food and markets. I found Imperfect Produce and have naturally just started eating better. And I still found ways to go on long walks around town to see neighborhoods on foot.

I started using cannabis as a plant-based tool to heal sore muscles after intense cardio workouts. I've used it to walk or hike further, push myself harder during workouts, or to go deeper in yoga classes.  

I worked through a lot of emotional pain from past relationships because I was able to take what I learned and offer my knowledge to friends who were enduring similar pain. I realized that my previous relationship caused me trauma and I felt like I was still recovering from the pain even though I'm currently in the healthiest relationship of my adult life. Finding clarity in that trauma allowed me to let go of all the pain, shed an old skin, and come through the other side as a stronger woman.

Because of these events and so much more, I recently learned that I lost 17 pounds in the last year. When I wrap my head around that, it blows my mind. I wasn't even trying to lose weight but rather I made my health and mental clarity a priority this year.

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One of my biggest fitness goals as of late is to finally achieve a gap between my thighs. It's such a weird thing to try and accomplish -- this idea of a thigh gap -- but it's been something I've focused on for as long as I can remember.

If you're a woman reading this now whose thighs rub together constantly, you know what I'm getting at here. Girls who have a normal thigh gap will never know what this feels like or how big of a pain it is. I'll spare you the details.

Throughout these past few months, I've seen and felt my body change. From mind, body and soul, I feel like a different person. I feel stronger and that I finally don't care what other people think about me or my body. I own this body and everything it's been through.

One of my biggest a-ha moments from the past year is realizing I'm stronger than I think I am. I know this because I'm finally in tune with my body. 

Last year, I met with my spiritual astrologist Joyce (yup, I'm that girl now who has a spiritual guide) and told her that I was about to go on an amazing journey through Peru. I told her about our four-day hiking trek to Machu Picchu and she mentioned how my "legs of iron" would show me how strong I truly am.

She was right.

For the first time ever, I can say that I love my body. Since taking the class with Taryn Toomey and since learning about the art of embodiment, I'm more in tune with what's going on inside of me. And I feel empowered by it. I've found myself in the shower or before bed thanking my legs for allowing me to walk to work or sweat like a crazy person during a workout. I've found moments to do this with all of the body parts I once thought weren't perfect or ideal.

Because now that I love my body, the idea of a thigh gap seems so superficial to me. I look at myself in the mirror and I love what I see.   

It took me a really long time to get to the point I'm at now. Sometimes you have to break down all of the walls and pain to see clarity and hope. 

Conversations with Taryn Toomey of The Class

I was recently in New York for the Fast Company Innovation Festival. This conference was like any other I’ve been to. There wasn’t a massive trade show floor where industry people were showing off their latest digs or trying to acquire new customers with sleazy business practices and loads of unnecessary swag. Instead, attendees got to sign up for panels, keynotes and office visits called Fast Tracks to get into the minds and actual spaces of some really rad businesses rooted in Manhattan.

One of the coolest sessions I got to experience was titled “How Embodiment Will Improve Your Workout – and Every Other Part of Your Life.” Taryn Toomey, an amazing woman who I’m still learning about, is the founder of The Class, a fitness class focusing on movement and the mind-body connection. I’m such a fan girl when it comes to fitness and new ways to exercise and get in touch with my body. This session sounded amazing and Taryn would also lead us in her signature workout.

The New York studio is located in West Tribeca in a beautiful space adorned with candles, big hunks of quartz and crystals, as well as Chanel and other fancy cosmetic products lining the bathroom. Yoga mats were lined up in tight, a-little-too-close-for-my-comfort, rows when we arrived. (Little did I know this was all part of getting us out of our comfort zone.) I had no idea what I was getting myself into when class started but I was certainly ready for whatever Taryn had in store for us.

Crystals for daysss at The Class in Tribeca.

Taryn’s presence is tangible. She’s strong, supports those around her, and was just this force in fitness that I’d never really seen before. Our class was private and was only open to the 20 or so conference attendees who signed up. Music started, some people left their athletic shoes on and some went barefoot. We listened to our breath and started to ground ourselves once Taryn started talking about purpose and movement.

The class was unreal. There isn’t a single bucket that this class falls into. It has its own philosophy and if you’re still trying to mark this class as yoga, pilates, or cardio, you’re missing the whole point of Taryn’s passion for The Class.

The art of movement and embodiment, courtesy Jaimie Baird Photography

We stretched; we physically felt our feet on the ground by pounding them onto our mats; we matched our breath with our movement. There were times where we’d do one strenuous motion for the entirety of a five-minute song, like jump squats, push-ups, and mountain climbers. And as we all were out of breath as the last bars of the song played over the speaker, Taryn told us to hold still and be aware of our body in that moment.

In other cardio classes that I go to regularly, we use rapid movements to confuse our muscles and to make our body’s work harder. I’m usually dying after a couple minutes of burpees or running around in place. But the act of rapidly moving for five solid minutes only to place our hands on our chest, stomach, and/or heart was such a fascinating way to experience our minds and body in synchronization. Instead of normally grabbing for water, a towel, or high fiving our neighbor (which a lot of my instructors love to do ☺), we immediately listened to and felt our bodies in its current state – sweaty, overloaded, and entranced.   

The idea of maintaining a rapid plyometric, cardio movement for four to five minutes might sound crazy for those who consider themselves to be fit. Burpees for five minutes? Yeah right. But because of Taryn’s words of encouragement and the image of embodiment she conjured, we all pushed ourselves to be greater. It’s at this point that you realize that you are stronger than you think you are. And the men and women around you offer the support you need to make it through – whether it be their audible breath or words of encouragement.

Oh, and the whole image of shaking it out, dancing, screaming and grunting in The Class – it’s a real thing. There’s something so carnal about working out through whatever shit you’re dealing with while screaming and moving. It’s a release and might actually allow people to break through whatever crap they’re dealing with.

I screamed, I cried, I completely got lost in the movement and my own presence.

Taryn leading a class in her Tribeca studio, courtesy Jaimie Baird Photography

This might be the first time where I’ve worked out and actually felt my body reacting in that moment. There’s something so beautiful about getting in touch with your body and being aware of its connection to your mind and heart.

When people call this class life changing, you may think that it’s just a bunch of BS to pique your curiosity. Taryn’s inspirational words and even the stories she tells about her life and how she got to where she is today incites all kinds of emotion.

After our hour long class, Taryn sat down with us and a FastCo writer for an interview.

“Awareness is key and that’s what we’re practicing,” Taryn said. “The ability to be aware of what the mind is telling you….You are not your thoughts.”

“I’m not asking anyone to tell me what their pain is, or what brings them joy, or what their heartbreak was. I’m inviting one to experience it themselves without the narration to the other human. And in that space, there’s a lot of freedom,” she continued.

Taryn created The Class as a method to heal from her past. She describes herself as a wacky creative who thought she was just crazy. “I’ve surrounded myself with people who have told me to channel my creativity and the way I think about and experience things as a way to help people to experience things differently.”

Another reason Taryn created The Class was so that should could have a space for people to come and feel alive so they can work on themselves among a really strong community.

“We want a place where we can come to feel what we want to feel without anyone telling us how to feel it. We can be completely bold, raw, angry and fierce. We can also be super graceful, kind, subtle and feminine at the same time. That’s what the class is,” she said. “People come to the class to feel what they want to feel, process it, and live through it.”

Taryn has a deep interest in esoteric, spiritual practices that she says are better felt than seen. At the same time, she labels herself as a skeptic. Alas, she understands how to talk about energy in a way that makes sense to everyone.

“Here you are, on this earth,” she said, as she hit the wooden panels of the bench she sat on. “Here you are in this body and you can feel what it feels like.” With The Class, she brings together the idea of spirituality with embodiment.

Sweaty, grounded, and energized after a class with Taryn Toomey of The Class in Tribeca, NYC.

“For me, when you move your physical body and you apply what you’ve learned spiritually and emotionally, the unseen is felt,” she continued. “Once you feel this, it becomes real in a way where it’s not esoteric. This class is a manifestation of my life and I have the honor of teaching it to others.”

“We’re opening up a room for people to feel. Do we scream and cry? Sure. But people also breathe and become aware of how it feels to feel. Or how it feels when your ass is on fire when we’re doing 10 minutes of burpees and their hearts are beating. If you need to let some sound out, go for it!”

I asked Taryn how to bring the principles of mindfulness and embodiment to other workouts and everyday life.

“If you’re at the gym, on a run, or in a class doing repetitive movements, do what we did in here and witness the mind and notice the places where you check out. This is the basis of your starting point. Workout again and notice when you check out again. Shorten the amount of times that you check out by actively making yourself stay with yourself. Then, start noticing the other times you feel like checking out and see where the patterns are linked.”

After continuously coming to class, Taryn believes that you start to understand the length of time you’ve been thinking these things of doubt or resistance to yourself. Ideas of not being able to do something, in a gym environment and beyond, are probably really old and Taryn can bet you’ve probably been feeling like this for a long time.

“Use your movement practice to notice the feeling, physically, emotionally, and then begin to work with how long you’ve been feeling that way and start to track it. Once you get to the root of it, you start to realize the pattern,” she said.

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I was moved by this practice – physically, emotionally, mentally. The experience I had within those four walls is nearly impossible to explain other than transformative. I later went up to Taryn and thanked her for class. I told her that I wasn’t expecting an emotional reaction to her class and that it helped ground me.

The Class has set up shop across the coasts. Sign up for her newsletter and check out her site for more information.